We watched Drag me to hell earlier (and it was so-so, ridiculous at times but still suspenseful), and it got me thinking of the afterlife. If I die, would I go to heaven or hell? It’s a very hard question for me, since I know I am not really lying on either ends of the "morality/goodness" spectrum. Yes, I have done good things, but f course I also done bad things. And if I were to judge myself, I don’t consider myself worthy of heaven. Yeah, my parents (and also some friends) think I'm good son/person/friend but I know myself more, and my sins I mean. Plus, I don’t think these good deeds I have done guarantee a slot in heaven. Not only because of the I-don’t-go-to-church-read-the-bible thing, but because of my selfishness, materialism, backstabbing and.. well you get the point.

The thing that really bothers me the most is the eternal suffering thing. I can’t imagine myself being tormented by demons for all eternity. If only there was also death after death, where you just cease to exist, then that would be better. But an eternity of torment is just unimaginable. That is just way too cruel.

I sometimes ask people actually on where they think they would go when they die. I ask them because I think most people, or the majority of the human population is not concerned of the afterlife. I believe that is because death seems so far away most of the time and our lives seem to have a surplus of time. Perhaps because of this apparent time surplus, the anticipation and concern of death and what follows it most likely die down sooner or later. At least that is very true for me. And perhaps later as I sleep, this fear of the afterlife would also die down.

I once attended a talk about being idle and the importance of injecting quality stuff to your time. Basta it included a story of three devils. The first one came to hell and carried with him a lot of souls. Impressed, the other demons asked how he did it. He said that he whispered to the ears of his victims that God does not exist. The second one came and even had more souls with him. When asked of how he did it, He said that he whispered to the victims that the devil does not exist. The third one came and had with him a really large number of souls, more than the first two. When asked of his secret, he said that telling them God does not exist is not as efficient as his technique. Because miracles and divine intervention occur, people would have the tendency to believe in God, and for the devil not existing, people would just watch Emily Rose and start believing! He said that his secret was that he whispered to his victim’s ears that they had a lot of time in their hands.

I reflected upon it, and realized that that was a major factor of why I do bad things. Death feels far away, and that fear of hell just doesn't stick long enough for me to fully convert.

What is God’s criterion for entry to heaven? Of course Hitler, murderers, rapists, and most politicians would certainly have no place in heaven, but how about the neutral ones like me, who are not really saint-like nor are murderers? Furthermore how about the crazy ones, especially those who are psychopathological murderers? It’s certainly not their fault that they are like that and perhaps some do not even know what they are doing!

I know I’m scared now, and I’m motivated to move to the good end of the humanity/morality spectrum, but I know this fear would die down later. And what if I keep being sinful and there comes a time that it is too late to change? If only neutrals have sure slots in heaven. Sigh.

Ever since I read that article on the Reader's digest mag, I have developed this very strong empathy, pity, anger and fear. Its about the existence of human trafficking in the US. I never really considered it, or thought about it before, and i guess as I have read it, I was surprised at the very fact it exist. It is so hard to imagine that there is something so evil, that our world have reached that point in their existence. Yeah, maybe because Im just not that street-smart or something, and even overly naive, but it is honestly unbelievable.

Susana Trimarco (RD May 2008) was  horrified when her daughter did not come home after dropping her off at the doctors. It was later that testimonies of eye witnesses confirmed that she was indeed kidnapped for forced prostitution. One man told them that they saw Susan's daughter walking down the street when a car with tinted windows pulled up and grabbed her and forced her into the car. Another trestimony from a prostitute told them that she saw Marita ( Susan's daughter) in a brothel. Susana, in her undying hope and perseverance, quit her job, sold her properties, and later lost her husband because of her quest.

One testimony of a girl who was also held captive for prostitution really gave me the chills:

"Speaking with Susana in her home, Andrea recounteed how she had spent eight years in a living hell of psychological and physical abuse. She was forced to take drugs and was beaten severely to break her will. She saw pregnant girls undergoing forced abortion with a coat hanger. Once, Andrea witnessed the owner of a prostitution house kill a girl by breaking her neck."

I really believe that what Susana is doing is great, and her perseverance is heroic, but as my mom said, her mistake was letting her search become too publicized. That would only add to the jeopardy to her daughter's life, as traffickers feel the pressure of Susana's advocacy. Though of course, perhaps Susana couldnt have managed the publicity brought about by media itself. 

What really is scary, is that I found out that this is not only prevalent in America, but also here in the Philippines. My mom would recounted this story of a woman who knew this young, pretty girl gone missing. They never found her of course, but one day, an anonymous phone call told her mother to fetch her daughter on the street corner. The mother found her daughter, in shock, and was staring into nothing. They suspect that one of the customers probably knew her and was the reason for her release.

It is indeed repulsive, and downright inhumane. The worst part is, when I think about it, is that they exploit innocent people. The issue would be less repulsive of course when there is consent from the girl. It is really hard to imagine that there are people this inhumane who exist. I also feel kind of stupid for once debating that prostitution should be legalized, and failing to see the other aspects of it, such as human trafficking. Surely, the issue of human trafficking would be a very powerful con to the whole issue.

Sex has become a source of pure evil: Human trafficking, and not to mention child pornography. Sex has become the reason for the exploitation of innocence. It is really hard to imagine what our world has become, and equally hard is how we go about our petty concerns such as teenage acne, great nails, fab shoes, new cars, perfect weddings, shallow romance, that others are amidst their earthly hell. 

 

Tori Amos inspired me tonight to write poems tonight, afetr being awed at her own poems. I left all rules of measures and rhymes at the door and just started letting myeslef out. It was for the first time ever, I enjoyed writing poetry. Though when I reread it just this morning, I saw how secretly mean it is, with no intentions whatsoever from me to make it mean. It's as if my subconcious self flowed right out and wrote something. And when I came back as my concious self, the poems were complete strangers. But it's ok, I like it. I like how the words are not flowery nor pretentious. Haha, maybe I'll venture into poetry. hmm....

Room polarity

Im sorry I hate you,
you remind me of someone I hate.
How unfair, I know, but perhaps not.
if how you act,

how you talk,

how you react,

is like that certain someone,

then I guess I authentically do.

Did I make you think I hate you?

Ah, maybe not.

But still, I have to be miles away.

Its not really about you, it’s me.

But it still is really about you.

 

My Cosmetics might hear you

 

My Cosmetics might hear you.

It may stop its magic in treating

my ugly

Let me apply it in secret.

It is my only hope,

since punishments from elves

is not what it is as i have hoped.

I found out through an offering of chocolate.

 

No, not elves. No sorry to

treat my ugly

Let my Cosmetics do the job.

 

Oil and Water

 

I can never get you,

the damage has been done.

Now is it really the trauma,

that brought forth the gap?

Or is it because we’re too different?

 

Like Water and oil,

like diamond and glass.

If we try, it would just

be touching a non-contortionist’s nose

with his foot.

 

Maybe it’s a bit of both don’t you think?

Still, I wonder how you can endure.

How your face retains composure.

How you dig your way through,

minutes like hours,

seconds like minutes,

silence as awkward as

meeting PTA officers in the movies.

You have no choice here right?

Better endure than ignore.

It’s a lesser of two evils.

 

Delusion/truthful

 

Life is not fair.

How come when you’re

crazy, you don’t know

you are?

 

I have this friend,

she says everyone is in love with her.

How can that be true,

when such a girl is so hideous?

Cute perhaps, but hideous.

 

I believe everyone is in love with me.

Can it be true?

No way of knowing. Immediate no’s coming.

 

How come life is so unfair?

 

Tell me, am I crazy, or am

            I truthful?

 

Crazy because society invisibly written so,

truthful because I am not like you.

 

Am I gifted with gifts beyond

            what is superior?

Or another blot in psychological behavior?

 

Shoe

 

I was once asked,

if my shoe was a boy,

or a girl.

 

I said no, I don’t want it to be a boy,

nor a girl,

nor a boy who is a girl,

nor a girl who is a boy.

 

I want him to be a shoe.

Why do we have penises and vaginas?

Can we all be shoes?

 

gods and animals

 

The priest told me we’re gods,

but if gods mean

capable of captivating,

then no,

I don’t want to be a god.

For something bigger created a world

where there is no god,

for He only created harmony.

We are only god to ourselves,

and others are captives

because, we gods, think they are.

 

If every creatures had hands,

then there will be no gods.

Only us.

 

If other priests tells me I’m god,

then I quit religion,

and dress myself in leaves.

 

Cars and tingling spines

 

“Stop yelling!”

underneath that bored face

I cry.

Stop yelling

What good would it do?

Can’t you just accept that

the road is a swamp?

a jungle?

feces unflushable?

 

Stop yelling!

What good would it do

but send shiver down my spine?

If only I have my own car.

 

Boring

You’re boring as hell,

how can they love you?

Maybe they have no one

            else to love.

Can’t think of anything else.

 

Vain Girl

 

Vain girl cries,

do you remember me?

 

vain girl cries,

what was I wearing?

 

vain girl cries,

where was I standing?

 

vain girl thinks,

do you think I’m pretty?

 

Tell me, did you really chase the facts,

or assure yourself that you’re adored?

I’ve lost interest in you.

 

You’re not even that pretty.

 

Society of barber’s cut, a mandate.

 

The boss of that building

asked me to meet the scissors everytime.

For how can hair so short

make us look nice?

It doesn’t.

Let me guess, in the process, you will be the ones

looking pretty with our hair.

 

I hate the boss, therefore I defy.

In deadlines, I defy.

Risky it may be, but thank God

they did not care.

For a few documents shall repair,

this infraction of obedience,

stain my records,

though smallest of stains.

 

Surely, I’ll retain, and triumphantly win a title.

 

When I became older for the law,

I stop abiding and start rejoicing,

But they were right.

Long locks does not cut it for me.

Therefore, what I have avoided is

really what I needed.

Therefore, what I indulged is really

what I could’ve dealt without.

 

Did I defy for defiance?

Yes.

 

Ah finally! After more than a month of painting, Ive finished this one. My mom thinks my aunt and grandma will kill me for painting something nude (both are conservative Christians), but I don't care, and besides, Ive painted it for myself and not them. I like to call it acceptance to express my disgust of people who compromise themselves for the sake of acceptance, and belongingness. The woman is the alpha female, and the little people are the followers. I have someone I have in mind when I painted this, and even though were friends, I disapprove of how that person handles his social circle, which is manipulation through fear and dominance. Thank God i dont belong in that person's circle, and its because of that person's habit do I avoid being with that person.
 

I find it weird though that most of my portrait paintings are not centered. Notice here how she tends to rest on the right side. I have no idea if this has a psychoogical explanation or perhaps plain coincidence or mistake. Hmm....

   

I rented "American Beauty" starring Kevin Spacey, and that is one of the best film I have ever watched. I watched it in the late afternoon- about the time my parents come home. I was like totally covering up the fact that i waswatching it, since it overflowed with so many explicit content, and of course nudity. I wasnt of course going for that, but my interest in the movie started when I saw that rose scene with Mena Suvari, and thought that offered such great cinematography, and it was very interesting and artistic. So I happened to find that in the video store today, and much to my surprise it was 2000's Best Picture. Very promising indeed.

With all the American Beauty's cut-scenes and previews Ive watched, I was totaly expecting it to revolve around passion, longing, sex, lust and fantasies, but the movie was so much more than that. Sure there were lot of that in there, but its message and theme transcends that. The movie tells us, tells me that in every bit of seeming normalcy around us, there are deeper, darker truths we do not know of. In other words, it shows us that people are multi-faceted, and in their whole life, they attempt and strive to put up this wall so that they would be considered "normal," and further more, I think the movie is telling us that maybe normalcy doesnt really exist. Normalcy is society's constant struggle, an illusion, a dream, but not reality. Every character in the movie told me of this truth, especially with Mena's character. I wasn't really sure where the movie was going in the middle bit, but the ending was so spectacular and shocking, and still, minutes after as I am typing this, I feel that surge of adrenaline, or whatever this feeling is (I think excitement), brought forth from the movie.

Just beautiful. I would like to elaborate more on the characterization, but I dont want to be a spoiler. I demand to whoever is reading this, that you watch it. You won't regret it.