Thursday, 04 June 2009
We watched Drag me to hell earlier (and it was so-so, ridiculous at times but still suspenseful), and it got me thinking of the afterlife. If I die, would I go to heaven or hell? It’s a very hard question for me, since I know I am not really lying on either ends of the "morality/goodness" spectrum. Yes, I have done good things, but f course I also done bad things. And if I were to judge myself, I don’t consider myself worthy of heaven. Yeah, my parents (and also some friends) think I'm good son/person/friend but I know myself more, and my sins I mean. Plus, I don’t think these good deeds I have done guarantee a slot in heaven. Not only because of the I-don’t-go-to-church-read-the-bible thing, but because of my selfishness, materialism, backstabbing and.. well you get the point.
The thing that really bothers me the most is the eternal suffering thing. I can’t imagine myself being tormented by demons for all eternity. If only there was also death after death, where you just cease to exist, then that would be better. But an eternity of torment is just unimaginable. That is just way too cruel.
I sometimes ask people actually on where they think they would go when they die. I ask them because I think most people, or the majority of the human population is not concerned of the afterlife. I believe that is because death seems so far away most of the time and our lives seem to have a surplus of time. Perhaps because of this apparent time surplus, the anticipation and concern of death and what follows it most likely die down sooner or later. At least that is very true for me. And perhaps later as I sleep, this fear of the afterlife would also die down.
I once attended a talk about being idle and the importance of injecting quality stuff to your time. Basta it included a story of three devils. The first one came to hell and carried with him a lot of souls. Impressed, the other demons asked how he did it. He said that he whispered to the ears of his victims that God does not exist. The second one came and even had more souls with him. When asked of how he did it, He said that he whispered to the victims that the devil does not exist. The third one came and had with him a really large number of souls, more than the first two. When asked of his secret, he said that telling them God does not exist is not as efficient as his technique. Because miracles and divine intervention occur, people would have the tendency to believe in God, and for the devil not existing, people would just watch Emily Rose and start believing! He said that his secret was that he whispered to his victim’s ears that they had a lot of time in their hands.
I reflected upon it, and realized that that was a major factor of why I do bad things. Death feels far away, and that fear of hell just doesn't stick long enough for me to fully convert.
What is God’s criterion for entry to heaven? Of course Hitler, murderers, rapists, and most politicians would certainly have no place in heaven, but how about the neutral ones like me, who are not really saint-like nor are murderers? Furthermore how about the crazy ones, especially those who are psychopathological murderers? It’s certainly not their fault that they are like that and perhaps some do not even know what they are doing!
I know I’m scared now, and I’m motivated to move to the good end of the humanity/morality spectrum, but I know this fear would die down later. And what if I keep being sinful and there comes a time that it is too late to change? If only neutrals have sure slots in heaven. Sigh.
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Grabe, totally new experience yung college, and i love every minute of it. Its so fun, lalo na that were given ample freedom to do anything, except sumali sa frat or soro, siyempre. Tapos mga tao dun andali kaibiganin and maging kaclose, ewan ko, maybe kasi onti lang yung pretensions nila. Plus I love my major. Parang akong super nerd, kasi andali ko maecite when it comes to biology subjects. Haha.
Pero siyempre meron rin akong ayaw sa college. At ito yun:
1. Pinakamalaki king problema talaga pagkain. Kasi sa building namin yung food stalls tatlo lang ata, tapos di namin gusto masyado yung food. Plus, ang hirap makahanap ng upuan, kasi andaming studyante, tapos ang liit ng space. First day namin, kumain pa kami sa yellow cab, pito kami, so hati hati. Haha pero di ko lang sure kung nabusog lahat. Tapos Wed, kumain ako ng hotdog na feel ko undercooked (nabili rin sa building namen) and yung friend ko di nasarapan dun sa kinain niya. Buti na lang PE lang meron sa arw na yon, so di ako nagutom the whole day. Today naman, kumain pa kami sa Tokyo tokyo, kasi sobrang gutom na after classes and ayaw namin magtiis ng di namin gustong pagkain. Pero nakamura kami, kasi P89 lang nagastos namin foods + drinks na. Buti naturuan ako nung isa kong friend na humingi lang ng tubig para tipid. Promise, yung kain na to sa labas hindi pasosyalan. Talagang limited lang kakainan dun. Eh ayaw naman namin sa tabi tabi, kasi mamaya may cholera yun o ano di ba. Pero ok na rin kung lunch namin under 100, basta wag lang over dun! Pero try ko magtanong ng other canteens sa campus.
2. Hirap makahanap ng tambayan. Common saka hindi tago mga frat at soro sa skul namen, So meron silang mga "homebase" or tambayan. Eh pag first year di pede sumali kasi nga ieexpel. Saka nakakatakot kayang maorient, kasi papalibutan ka raw, tapos kukulitin. Yun sabi nila, ewan. So kala namen nakahanap ng kami ng tambayan na maganda, as in malamig, under the tress and stuff, pero hinila kami nung parang freshie guide namin, and sinabi na wag kami tumambay dun, kasi frat tambayan yun. So ayun, para kaming skwater na hirap maghanap ng lugar. Sabi nung guide we can hang out sa corridors, pero haha mas ok kung sa labas di ba. Di ka naman ba magsawa sa building mo. pero I guess pede dun sa Robinson, pero saan? Di ka naman pede tumambay at makaupo ng maayos kung di ka bibili talaga di ba?
3. Bawal mag isa. Mahirap raw mag-isa dun kasi succeptible ka sa frats at soro. Buti nga nakahanap kagad ako ng barkada, kaya at least safe. Eh problema pano pag nataunan na wala akong kasama? So di siya totally safe. Pero ewan, baka naman di ganon kalala yung frats and soro, tinatakot lang kami para walang kaso or expulsion na maganap. Kasi yung mga frat at soro members naman di mukhang terror eh, pero I guess first impression lang. Pero better safe than sorry di ba?
4. Sucky air con sa ibang clasrooms. Isang problemang sinundan ako from HS hanggang college.
5. Long commute + sardinas sa LRT. QC ako, tapos upm sa manila pa. So commute ko siguro isang oras. Tapos kadalasan siksikan, lalo na sa hapon. Kaya sobrang pawis, and feel ko ang lagkit. Para bang mas nadumihan pa ko sa 1 oras na commute kaysa sa buong araw. Pero decided na ko baka mag pahatid nalng ako. Tama parents ko, di nga enjoy mga tren na yan. Haha, eh nacurious lang ako, kasi first time mag tren. Pero biggest fear ko ngayon ay madapa sa tren habang gumagalaw. Grabe nakakahiya yun.
Pero enjoy naman ako sobra kahit sa mga problems na to. Pero di ba third day palang namen, so baka nag aadjust palang ako o ano. Sanayan lang siguro to.
Saturday, 07 June 2008
Ever since I read that article on the Reader's digest mag, I have developed this very strong empathy, pity, anger and fear. Its about the existence of human trafficking in the US. I never really considered it, or thought about it before, and i guess as I have read it, I was surprised at the very fact it exist. It is so hard to imagine that there is something so evil, that our world have reached that point in their existence. Yeah, maybe because Im just not that street-smart or something, and even overly naive, but it is honestly unbelievable.
Susana Trimarco (RD May 2008) was horrified when her daughter did not come home after dropping her off at the doctors. It was later that testimonies of eye witnesses confirmed that she was indeed kidnapped for forced prostitution. One man told them that they saw Susan's daughter walking down the street when a car with tinted windows pulled up and grabbed her and forced her into the car. Another trestimony from a prostitute told them that she saw Marita ( Susan's daughter) in a brothel. Susana, in her undying hope and perseverance, quit her job, sold her properties, and later lost her husband because of her quest.
One testimony of a girl who was also held captive for prostitution really gave me the chills:
"Speaking with Susana in her home, Andrea recounteed how she had spent eight years in a living hell of psychological and physical abuse. She was forced to take drugs and was beaten severely to break her will. She saw pregnant girls undergoing forced abortion with a coat hanger. Once, Andrea witnessed the owner of a prostitution house kill a girl by breaking her neck."
I really believe that what Susana is doing is great, and her perseverance is heroic, but as my mom said, her mistake was letting her search become too publicized. That would only add to the jeopardy to her daughter's life, as traffickers feel the pressure of Susana's advocacy. Though of course, perhaps Susana couldnt have managed the publicity brought about by media itself.
What really is scary, is that I found out that this is not only prevalent in America, but also here in the Philippines. My mom would recounted this story of a woman who knew this young, pretty girl gone missing. They never found her of course, but one day, an anonymous phone call told her mother to fetch her daughter on the street corner. The mother found her daughter, in shock, and was staring into nothing. They suspect that one of the customers probably knew her and was the reason for her release.
It is indeed repulsive, and downright inhumane. The worst part is, when I think about it, is that they exploit innocent people. The issue would be less repulsive of course when there is consent from the girl. It is really hard to imagine that there are people this inhumane who exist. I also feel kind of stupid for once debating that prostitution should be legalized, and failing to see the other aspects of it, such as human trafficking. Surely, the issue of human trafficking would be a very powerful con to the whole issue.
Sex has become a source of pure evil: Human trafficking, and not to mention child pornography. Sex has become the reason for the exploitation of innocence. It is really hard to imagine what our world has become, and equally hard is how we go about our petty concerns such as teenage acne, great nails, fab shoes, new cars, perfect weddings, shallow romance, that others are amidst their earthly hell.
Monday, 26 May 2008
Due to my experience of the totally boring summer, that literally makes me crazy, I asked my Mother if given the chance she could be a housewife, would she be one? I expected, given the context of her fulfillment in her service, that she would say no. But she said if ever, she would be a housewife. I just dont get it how someone can be happy fulfilling the role of a housewife- cleaning, cooking everyday, much like a maid- with no surprises or challenges whatsoever. I guess that's just my opinion.
Edit: I was just wondering right now, what if all your kids become adults and independent? Where they do not need any tending or doting anymore, would being a housewife still be fulfilling for wives amidst that scenario?
I also would like our society to not only have housewives, but househusbands too. The traditional concept that housewives are wives only is a bit sexist for me. I think there are already some househusbands, except those who are actually lazy and freeload from other members of the family (which I do not consider authentic househusband), but I hope the woman to man ratio in the household would be neutralize.
Monday, 12 May 2008
Tori Amos inspired me tonight to write poems tonight, afetr being awed at her own poems. I left all rules of measures and rhymes at the door and just started letting myeslef out. It was for the first time ever, I enjoyed writing poetry. Though when I reread it just this morning, I saw how secretly mean it is, with no intentions whatsoever from me to make it mean. It's as if my subconcious self flowed right out and wrote something. And when I came back as my concious self, the poems were complete strangers. But it's ok, I like it. I like how the words are not flowery nor pretentious. Haha, maybe I'll venture into poetry. hmm....
Im sorry I hate you,
you remind me of someone I hate.
How unfair, I know, but perhaps not.
if how you act,
how you talk,
how you react,
is like that certain someone,
then I guess I authentically do.
Did I make you think I hate you?
Ah, maybe not.
But still, I have to be miles away.
Its not really about you, it’s me.
But it still is really about you.
My Cosmetics might hear you
My Cosmetics might hear you.
It may stop its magic in treating
Let me apply it in secret.
It is my only hope,
since punishments from elves
is not what it is as i have hoped.
I found out through an offering of chocolate.
No, not elves. No sorry to
treat my ugly
Let my Cosmetics do the job.
Oil and Water
I can never get you,
the damage has been done.
Now is it really the trauma,
that brought forth the gap?
Or is it because we’re too different?
Like Water and oil,
like diamond and glass.
If we try, it would just
be touching a non-contortionist’s nose
with his foot.
Maybe it’s a bit of both don’t you think?
Still, I wonder how you can endure.
How your face retains composure.
How you dig your way through,
minutes like hours,
seconds like minutes,
silence as awkward as
meeting PTA officers in the movies.
You have no choice here right?
Better endure than ignore.
It’s a lesser of two evils.
Life is not fair.
How come when you’re
crazy, you don’t know
I have this friend,
she says everyone is in love with her.
How can that be true,
when such a girl is so hideous?
Cute perhaps, but hideous.
I believe everyone is in love with me.
Can it be true?
No way of knowing. Immediate no’s coming.
How come life is so unfair?
Tell me, am I crazy, or am
Crazy because society invisibly written so,
truthful because I am not like you.
Am I gifted with gifts beyond
what is superior?
Or another blot in psychological behavior?
I was once asked,
if my shoe was a boy,
or a girl.
I said no, I don’t want it to be a boy,
nor a girl,
nor a boy who is a girl,
nor a girl who is a boy.
I want him to be a shoe.
Why do we have penises and vaginas?
Can we all be shoes?
gods and animals
The priest told me we’re gods,
but if gods mean
capable of captivating,
I don’t want to be a god.
For something bigger created a world
where there is no god,
for He only created harmony.
We are only god to ourselves,
and others are captives
because, we gods, think they are.
If every creatures had hands,
then there will be no gods.
If other priests tells me I’m god,
then I quit religion,
and dress myself in leaves.
Cars and tingling spines
underneath that bored face
What good would it do?
Can’t you just accept that
the road is a swamp?
What good would it do
but send shiver down my spine?
If only I have my own car.
You’re boring as hell,
how can they love you?
Maybe they have no one
else to love.
Can’t think of anything else.
Vain girl cries,
do you remember me?
vain girl cries,
what was I wearing?
vain girl cries,
where was I standing?
vain girl thinks,
do you think I’m pretty?
Tell me, did you really chase the facts,
or assure yourself that you’re adored?
I’ve lost interest in you.
You’re not even that pretty.
Society of barber’s cut, a mandate.
The boss of that building
asked me to meet the scissors everytime.
For how can hair so short
make us look nice?
Let me guess, in the process, you will be the ones
looking pretty with our hair.
I hate the boss, therefore I defy.
In deadlines, I defy.
Risky it may be, but thank God
they did not care.
For a few documents shall repair,
this infraction of obedience,
stain my records,
though smallest of stains.
Surely, I’ll retain, and triumphantly win a title.
When I became older for the law,
I stop abiding and start rejoicing,
But they were right.
Long locks does not cut it for me.
Therefore, what I have avoided is
really what I needed.
Therefore, what I indulged is really
what I could’ve dealt without.
Did I defy for defiance?
Tuesday, 06 May 2008
Our physical exam and dental today in UP was at some parts a nightmare, and at some parts enjoying. We went there at I think 8 AM, and after comprehensively reviewing every single detail in the necessary requirements and important dates, we were all ready to go, confident yet still a little anxious (especially my anticipation of me getting naked for the doctor's exam). UP did a good thing in setting PE and Dental for 2 courses a day, so that the day will not be too cramped up and spiteful. My mom met up with her director friend there so he guided us into the building it was held. He left us with the nurse responsible, and also left us more dignified and more urgent to the eyes of the staff, since we came with their boss, and since he was calling my mom "mam'" all the while. So, thankfully, the nurses were nice and asked us of the nec. reqs. That is where the nightmare began for us.
The nurse told us that we have to come there with the X-ray and Dental results, even though the notices given to us didnt tell us we have to, or much more needed to. We asked how to get it, and she said the line was long for the Dental, and the Xray has to be taken somewhere outside, and to add to the insults takes 4 hours to process. We totally panicked, especially since we have to get out of there by 1 since my mom had a very important meeting by 1. We were like totally finding the dental office, and we were sweating all over, since the information given to us when we asked were totally contradictory in terms of the location. My mom even got mad at me for unconciously using some important documents as a fan haha. So we found after going back and forth and sweating like maniacs, and got my teeth checked, and discovered I had 3 cavities, and talked to the dentist about how many gradutaed in their batch last year. Two, yep only two out of 20+. My mom decided we had to do the xray in my Dad's office, so we can get a discount on time. So the 4 hours it takes in other hospitals turned out for us 15 minutes. Whew. Btw, there were others before us too, foreigners. Last come first served I guess, just have a family member as a staff.
Now the good part. We got back just in time for the PE, and much to our dismay, the line was especially long. We talked to the nurse we talked to in the morning, and she guided us to the front of the line, in front of the long line of waiting students soon to be my college mates. That's the power of the priveleges of the hiearchy of the Medical world! Haha. I wondered what the others thought. Even better, the PE turned out to be just routine check ups, and no naked exam. I guess they only do it in Diliman.
Saturday, 03 May 2008
Ah finally! After more than a month of painting, Ive finished this one. My mom thinks my aunt and grandma will kill me for painting something nude (both are conservative Christians), but I don't care, and besides, Ive painted it for myself and not them. I like to call it acceptance to express my disgust of people who compromise themselves for the sake of acceptance, and belongingness. The woman is the alpha female, and the little people are the followers. I have someone I have in mind when I painted this, and even though were friends, I disapprove of how that person handles his social circle, which is manipulation through fear and dominance. Thank God i dont belong in that person's circle, and its because of that person's habit do I avoid being with that person.
I find it weird though that most of my portrait paintings are not centered. Notice here how she tends to rest on the right side. I have no idea if this has a psychoogical explanation or perhaps plain coincidence or mistake. Hmm....
Saturday, 26 April 2008
Thursday, 24 April 2008
I rented "American Beauty" starring Kevin Spacey, and that is one of the best film I have ever watched. I watched it in the late afternoon- about the time my parents come home. I was like totally covering up the fact that i waswatching it, since it overflowed with so many explicit content, and of course nudity. I wasnt of course going for that, but my interest in the movie started when I saw that rose scene with Mena Suvari, and thought that offered such great cinematography, and it was very interesting and artistic. So I happened to find that in the video store today, and much to my surprise it was 2000's Best Picture. Very promising indeed.
With all the American Beauty's cut-scenes and previews Ive watched, I was totaly expecting it to revolve around passion, longing, sex, lust and fantasies, but the movie was so much more than that. Sure there were lot of that in there, but its message and theme transcends that. The movie tells us, tells me that in every bit of seeming normalcy around us, there are deeper, darker truths we do not know of. In other words, it shows us that people are multi-faceted, and in their whole life, they attempt and strive to put up this wall so that they would be considered "normal," and further more, I think the movie is telling us that maybe normalcy doesnt really exist. Normalcy is society's constant struggle, an illusion, a dream, but not reality. Every character in the movie told me of this truth, especially with Mena's character. I wasn't really sure where the movie was going in the middle bit, but the ending was so spectacular and shocking, and still, minutes after as I am typing this, I feel that surge of adrenaline, or whatever this feeling is (I think excitement), brought forth from the movie.
Just beautiful. I would like to elaborate more on the characterization, but I dont want to be a spoiler. I demand to whoever is reading this, that you watch it. You won't regret it.
Thursday, 17 April 2008
The concept of society, and how society functions, is not for all. Its a pity that those who are not "ideal" as society dictates and believes, are compromised and inhibited of other potentials and skills, which realistically is deemed unuseful by society. Pity.